Ramblings of a Chaotic Mind (NEW BOOK)

Ramblings of a Chaotic Mind
This is a collection of poems, thoughts, short stories, and art. I hope you enjoy them.

Many of my poems might be dark and depressing, but writing is how I cope with things life throws at us. When I’m frustrated, hurt, and sad, I write. It helps me cope with my feelings though not every poem will fit this description most of them will.

I write on a slew of subjects; motherhood, family, miscarriage, children, raising children and many more. Sometimes moms get into a competition of who’s the better mother or who has the best kids, whose job is hard, and that mindset helps no one. I promise to be as real as I can, hoping the things that have challenged me can help someone else.

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Women Need to Support Other Women

Women rarely support each other.  It is hard to find women that support each other.  

When I was in school, kids bullied me.  My mom was the sick mom with cancer and we didn’t have a lot of money, My clothes were old and torn. Since then I had low self-esteem.

I found later that writing was something I loved. And when I found Roleplay,  I made friends fast, and I didn’t believe it. Someone told me I was their best friend, and I took a long time to believe it. Because who wants me as a best friend?

When it comes to Role Play, it seems a lot of women think they must be the center of attention.  In a role play, you can be anyone you want to be. I find people change who they are and use fake profiles because they are not happy with themselves.

Role Play is best when you let people be creative. We’ve had some awesome plots that were not created by admins. My friend Breen created two plots that were amazing. I know will blush if she reads this but its true. 

Women should be supporting each other and encouraging each other. We should take a step back and allow others to have the spotlight on them.

Of course, this goes beyond writing and role-playing and into everything we do. Women need to support each other and lift each other up instead of tearing each other down.

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Always Alone

woman looking at sea while sitting on beach
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com
As much as I give, I lose.
As much as I care, they don’t.

How do you know how important you are?
Do I think more of you than you think of me?
I am hopeless and alone, always and forever

As much as I help, it’s never enough.
As much as I love, I hurt.

I am not important and never have been.
To those I care about, they care little for me.
I am hopeless and alone, always and forever.

I am the one who gets tossed aside, forgotten each time.
A new thing comes along.

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You’re in My Seat


Photo by Karl Fredrickson on Unsplash

I had an interesting experience at church last week and it reminded me of these two stories I have heard pastors use for their sermons.

In the first story, a man is visiting a church. This man sat in a pew and a lady came up to him and said, “I’m sorry, but you are sitting in my pew.” This man got up and moved to another pew. Again, a man came up to him and said, “You’re sitting in my pew.” This happened several times before the man left the church. I have heard this story told by pastors with the message of welcoming new members.

There is another version of this story where the man sitting in everyone’s pew was a homeless man who smelled and wore torn clothes. At the end of this story, he came to the front of the church and said, “You asked me to move because I was sitting in your pew. I have sat in your pew and have died for your sins.” The man was Jesus. The Bible says giving to those in need is giving to Jesus. We should embrace people in need and welcome them.

When I went to church last weekend with my children, I had a similar experience. I drove into the parking lot and saw an open parking space. I drove in and parked, while a car came up next to mine and rolled down the window. A middle-aged woman was in the driver’s seat, so I assumed she needed directions or something.

So I asked, “Can I help you with anything?” What came next surprised both me and my children. She said, “It’s my parking spot. We only have six spots, so you need to move.”

I looked at her, confused for a moment, then I realized she was attending the church next to mine. So I replied, “Well, it’s a good thing I am not coming here to visit your church because I will never come back.” I then drove off and parked my car elsewhere.

The woman pulled out of the spot she was in and moved her car closer to her church. My kids caught this and said, “So she just pulled in next to you to tell you to move your car. Jesus will not like that.” And my kids are correct. What if someone was planning on visiting this church or someone thinking about becoming a Christian? That person may never want to visit another church or become a Christian if Christians treat others this way. My daughter said, “I guess that’s why they only have 6 parking spots; no one wants to go to their church. I love our church. Everyone is nice and friendly.”

People expect Christians to be perfect, but we are far from perfect. Sometimes it takes compassion and common sense. This woman didn’t have either. She taught my children a lesson. She taught them to always welcome others because they know what it feels to not be welcome. It might be a small thing, but for someone searching for a church or someone searching for God, it’s a big thing.

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I Was Wrong

Photo by Keenan Constance on Unsplash

I Was Wrong

 I thought they were my friends.
I thought I was important.
I thought they would support me, 
But alas, I was wrong.
I cherished the memories,
I cherished our talks,
I cherished our friendship,
But alas, I was wrong to cherish these things.
In the end, it never mattered.
In the end, it is all gone.
In the end, I am alone.

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Breath in slowly,
Try to fill your lungs and hold it.
Breath in slowly,
Don’t let the pain get to you.
Breath in slowly,
Try to fill your lungs and hold it.

Calm yourself and let the negative thoughts float away.
Think about the things that matter and leave all the rest aside.
Breath in slowly,
Try to fill your lungs and hold it.
Breath in slowly,
Don’t let the pain get to you.
Breath in slowly,
Try to fill your lungs and hold it.
Remember what is important to you.
Forget the other things and let them float away.

Breath in slowly,
Tell yourself you are worth it.
Breath in slowly,
Remember what is important.
Breath in slowly,
Remember who is important.

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Anxiety Attack

white and brown wooden tiles
Photo by Suzy Hazelwood on Pexels.com
My entire body shakes. 
My breathing becomes rapid. 
I feel like I can’t catch my breath. 
I hear my heart pounding in my chest. 
I look for a way out, but I’m trapped.  

My hands shake. 
I feel the shaking all over my body. 
I try to calm myself. 
And breathe. 
Just to breathe. 

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I’m Sorry

I’m sorry. 
I couldn’t handle it.
My anxiety overwhelmed me.
And I walked away. 

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Am I your friend?


Photo by Andrew Neel on Unsplash

Am I Your Friend? 
Am I your friend?
Do you really care about me the way I care about you?
We use the term best friends, but is that just me?
But is that truly what I am to you?
Do I think more of you than you think of me?
When my usefulness is gone, will you also leave?
Why do these questions haunt me so?
I worry about the future, like an endless sea of doubt. 
Doubting myself and others, will I ever be happy.

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