Happy 11th Birthday Baby

why

Photo by _Mxsh_ on Unsplash

 

The pit in my stomach never goes away.

I miss you, but I know you are in a better place.

As your birthday comes, each year I cry.

No matter what, I miss you.

No matter how many years go by, you will always be my baby.

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FREE BOOK! FROM NOW UNTIL JANUARY 1!

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Please Download, read and tell me what you think!

This is a collection of poems, thoughts, short stories, and art. I hope you enjoy them. Many of my poems might be dark and depressing, but writing is how I cope with things life throws at us. When I’m frustrated, hurt, and sad, I write. It helps me cope with my feeling though not every poem will fit this description most of them will.

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Am I your friend?

friend

Photo by Andrew Neel on Unsplash

 

 

Am I your friend?

Do you really care about me the way I care about you?

We use the terms best friends of is that just me?

But is that truly what I am to you?

 

Do I think more of you than you think of me?

When my usefulness is gone, will you also leave?

Why do these questions haunt me so?

 

I worry about the future, like an endless sea of doubt. 

Doubting myself and others, will I ever be happy.

Write with us or Follow Us!

Write with us or follow us!

I don’t know if anyone here is on Medium. At first, I went on to build a following but the site seemed too preoccupied with how much money you make and whether the curators liked your story. Most of the groups I have been in about Medium have only been concerned with money.

I try to get my work on as many sites as I an to build a following. If you are interested in building a following and finding a new place to showcase your work please join me. I created a publication on Medium for all writers.

Purple Pen

 

The Purple Pen (4)

Ghost of a Life that is Not Mine

collection of gray scale photos

Photo by Fancycrave.com on Pexels.com

 

What have I done wrong,

To keep me from your mind?

Forgotten and left aside,

A memory of one who came before.

 


 

A ghost of a life that was not mine.

A memory of one who shares my face.

Lost in an endless tide, reaching but never touching.

 


 

Summers in the sun, the surf at our feet.

Summers in the sand, drawing, and laughing.

Summers on the street, bikes and games and more.

 


 

A ghost of a life that was not mine.

A memory of one who shares my face.

Lost in an endless tide, reaching but never touching.

 


 

My childhood lost in a daze

My Innocence long since forgotten

My memories fade away.

 


 

A ghost of a life that was not mine

A memory of one who shares my face.

Lost in an endless tide, reaching but never touching.

 

 

Deserve to be Happy

Photo by lucas clarysse on Unsplash

 

Deserve to be Happy?

 

Tears flow for freely

It’s uncontrollable

I can’t stop the pain in my heart.

 


The world will never be

Sunny and cheerful again

If you are not part of it.

Darkness and gloom cover my existence.

 


As I gasp for air as I try to be calm.

But nothing calms me as I sit in the dark.

Why have I done the things I have done?

Why am I such a horrible person to hurt you so?

 


I don’t deserve to be happy.

I don’t deserve love.

But you, you deserve all of this and more.

 

Check out more of my poems!

More poems!

View at Medium.com

Birth After Miscarriage: A Spiritual Journey Chapter 1 Wanting to be a Mom

This Book can be found on Amazon.com

Birth After Miscarriage

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Chapter 1 Wanting to be a Mom

Ever since my mother died when I was eleven years old, I wanted to be a mom. She was an amazing and inspiring woman. I hope to one day be half the woman she was.

I didn’t get married to have a baby. I didn’t try to have a family until we were five years into our marriage. It gave us the opportunity to spend time together and learn each other on a deeper level.

When Devin said he was ready to be a dad, I was excited. I wanted to make a doctor’s appointment to ensure I was healthy enough to bear a child.

We discussed plans surrounding the baby’s arrival and dreamt sweetly about name options. The thoughts were beautiful. We were ready for this next phase in our lives.

I figured I’d become pregnant immediately, but it did not happen that way. We created a calendar so I could record the basal temperature readings from my ovulation tests along with my ovulation and menstrual cycles. Unfortunately, it became more expensive than we had anticipated it would be.

“Stop buying these tests. We don’t have enough money for you to keep doing this,” Devin kept telling me. “It will happen when God wants it to happen.”

Although I didn’t give up, I didn’t expect to become pregnant. I was frustrated because I thought God wanted me to be a mom. Was something wrong with me? Had I been wrong?

I tested regularly without seeing the results I hoped for. When we first tried to have a baby, I took the pregnancy test before I missed my menstrual cycle. I was so anxious that I circled the earliest dates on my calendar when I could expect the most accurate testing results.

After months of negative outcomes, I gave up on the idea of having a child. I know of women who tried for years without ever becoming pregnant. In comparison, I had not been trying for a long time, but I was still frustrated with the process and the absence of a child.

I went to my doctor for a regular checkup who had become pregnant after enduring a struggle very similar to my own. She was now five months pregnant and thought she should offer her advice.

“Get an ovulation tester. Sperm can live up to five days in the uterus, so it’s good to have sperm in there before you ovulate. The younger the sperm are, the stronger they are. But once the egg drops, you only have twelve hours to fertilize it before it deteriorates.”

Our conversation helped me tremendously. I had been misusing the testers. I thought I should have been indulging in sexual intercourse once I started to ovulate, but that was extremely far from the truth. Starting a few days before I ovulated would increase my chance of becoming pregnant. Once the egg dropped, I would have a supply of sperm waiting for it.

I had always been amazed at how people struck gold on their first try. But, as Devin said, “It will happen in God’s time, not ours.”

THE BOOK CAN BE FOUND AT AMAZON.COM

Birth After Miscarriage

Invisible

NANCY ANN (2)

<

p dir=”ltr”>I feel invisible. I am invisible.
As if life is passing me by and no one seems to notice or care.

You run around me asking for help, but my hand you do not see.

I am invisible. I am invisible.

You walk right past me as if no one was there.

I am a shadow of the way I was, a body with no host.

You walk right past me as if I was a ghost.

I am a shadow of my former self, as I try to hold on to things of the past

A shadow of the life that I used to share.

I am invisible. I am invisible.

You walk right past me as if no one was there.

I am a shadow of the way I was, a body with no host.

You walk right past me as if I was a ghost.

<

p dir=”ltr”>You walk right past me as if I am nothing.
The tears I shed, go unnoticed as you no longer care.

You walk past me as if I was never there.

Why is my self-worth wrapped up in what you think?

I watched everything go by but seeing nothing as nothing is left for me.

Trapped in a box I can not escape,

The water pulls em under but you do not see

I am invisible, I am invisible

You walk right past me as if no one was there

I am a shadow of the way I was, a body with no host

You walk right past me as if I was a ghost

Let me be me

Let me be me

Let me wear unmatched socks

Let me sign in the shower

And dance while I’m cooking

Let me be me

In all my odd behaviors

In all my rash moments

Call me eccentric

Call me odd

Call me anything but let me be me.

Let me paint. Let me write

Let me sing and let me dance

Let me make a fool of myself

Let me laugh at myself

Let me be me