If You Were Here…

Photo by Fey Marin on Unsplash

If You Were Here…

I just need to talk to someone.

There is no place safe to talk.

Who won’t judge and won’t be hurt by what I say.

I know if you were here, I could talk to you.

I know I would be talking to you now,

And so many other times before.

If you were here.

I need someone to talk to,

A safe place where there is no blame.

A place where I can be honest and 

A place where you won’t be hurt.

A place where I can say whatever I need,

And you will just listen

And no one will be hurt.

I need you, your voice, and your wisdom. 

If you were here.

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This is a collection of poems, thoughts, short stories, and art. I hope you enjoy them. Many of my poems might be dark and depressing, but writing is how I cope with things life throws at us. When I’m frustrated, hurt, and sad, I write. It helps me cope with my feeling though not every poem will fit this description most of them will.

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Ramblings of the Mind, is a collection of art, poems, and thoughts. Many of my poems might be dark and depressing, but writing is how I cope with things life throws at us. When I’m frustrated, hurt, and sad, I write. It helps me cope with my feeling though not every poem will fit this description most of them.

Ghost of a Life that is Not Mine

collection of gray scale photos

Photo by Fancycrave.com on Pexels.com

 

What have I done wrong,

To keep me from your mind?

Forgotten and left aside,

A memory of one who came before.

 


 

A ghost of a life that was not mine.

A memory of one who shares my face.

Lost in an endless tide, reaching but never touching.

 


 

Summers in the sun, the surf at our feet.

Summers in the sand, drawing, and laughing.

Summers on the street, bikes and games and more.

 


 

A ghost of a life that was not mine.

A memory of one who shares my face.

Lost in an endless tide, reaching but never touching.

 


 

My childhood lost in a daze

My Innocence long since forgotten

My memories fade away.

 


 

A ghost of a life that was not mine

A memory of one who shares my face.

Lost in an endless tide, reaching but never touching.

 

 

Birth After Miscarriage: A Spiritual Journey Chapter 1 Wanting to be a Mom

This Book can be found on Amazon.com

Birth After Miscarriage

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Chapter 1 Wanting to be a Mom

Ever since my mother died when I was eleven years old, I wanted to be a mom. She was an amazing and inspiring woman. I hope to one day be half the woman she was.

I didn’t get married to have a baby. I didn’t try to have a family until we were five years into our marriage. It gave us the opportunity to spend time together and learn each other on a deeper level.

When Devin said he was ready to be a dad, I was excited. I wanted to make a doctor’s appointment to ensure I was healthy enough to bear a child.

We discussed plans surrounding the baby’s arrival and dreamt sweetly about name options. The thoughts were beautiful. We were ready for this next phase in our lives.

I figured I’d become pregnant immediately, but it did not happen that way. We created a calendar so I could record the basal temperature readings from my ovulation tests along with my ovulation and menstrual cycles. Unfortunately, it became more expensive than we had anticipated it would be.

“Stop buying these tests. We don’t have enough money for you to keep doing this,” Devin kept telling me. “It will happen when God wants it to happen.”

Although I didn’t give up, I didn’t expect to become pregnant. I was frustrated because I thought God wanted me to be a mom. Was something wrong with me? Had I been wrong?

I tested regularly without seeing the results I hoped for. When we first tried to have a baby, I took the pregnancy test before I missed my menstrual cycle. I was so anxious that I circled the earliest dates on my calendar when I could expect the most accurate testing results.

After months of negative outcomes, I gave up on the idea of having a child. I know of women who tried for years without ever becoming pregnant. In comparison, I had not been trying for a long time, but I was still frustrated with the process and the absence of a child.

I went to my doctor for a regular checkup who had become pregnant after enduring a struggle very similar to my own. She was now five months pregnant and thought she should offer her advice.

“Get an ovulation tester. Sperm can live up to five days in the uterus, so it’s good to have sperm in there before you ovulate. The younger the sperm are, the stronger they are. But once the egg drops, you only have twelve hours to fertilize it before it deteriorates.”

Our conversation helped me tremendously. I had been misusing the testers. I thought I should have been indulging in sexual intercourse once I started to ovulate, but that was extremely far from the truth. Starting a few days before I ovulated would increase my chance of becoming pregnant. Once the egg dropped, I would have a supply of sperm waiting for it.

I had always been amazed at how people struck gold on their first try. But, as Devin said, “It will happen in God’s time, not ours.”

THE BOOK CAN BE FOUND AT AMAZON.COM

Birth After Miscarriage

42

 

42, it rings in my ears at each age

Growing closer at each step

At age 11 it was a distant number

but now sitting at 41, the horror sets in.

 


An age that was once so far away

now sits on my doorstep

Will the same fate befall me?

Will my kids lose everything, all in one day?

 

 

One long dreadful day

It felt like the sun would never rise

and my heart would never mend.

 

 

The hole in my heart and

The despair that I would never

See you again.

 

 

All the things you missed.

All the times I needed you.

All the times I tell my kids.

Who you are, so they know,

And love you as much as I do,

But they will never truly know!

 

 

Oh, this horrid age,

The despair comes back and the fears.

Will my kids live without me,

As I lived without you.

 

 

A mother’s worse fear and a daughters reality.