Never Alone

Photo by KAL VISUALS on Unsplash
I used to chase you
I used to beg you
But no more

I will no longer beg and fret.
I will no longer lay awake at night and worry.
I will no longer worry, for those days are over.

I used to chase people.
I used to beg them to stay.
But no more.

I stand firm and I know I am right.
I stand firm, and i know I am good enough
I stand firm and I am not alone.
Never have I been alone!


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It’s a Curse

Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash
It is a curse,
To never think your good enough
To question everything
To not accept the good things in life as real.  

You wait for the bottom to fall out.
You wait for everyone to leave.
You anxiously see signs everywhere,
When nothing is wrong.

You question yourself with every task.
Did I write this right?
Did I say that right?
Did they understand me?

Never going with your gut
Never accepting you are talented
Never accepting yourself. 

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Saying the Wrong Thing

I always say the wrong thing.
The words come out of my mouth, 
And I watch them go.
Wave goodbye 
And wait for the reaction.
 
The words spiral out of me,
I can’t catch them, 
But just close my eyes and wait
For the reaction.

I say the wrong thing, do the wrong thing
And then stress over it.
I back pedal but it doesn’t work
I wonder why I say anything at all.

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My Dreams

I have been writing for years. I started writing my first book in 2009 after I miscarriage my first child. It was published in 2008. It was horrible. So, I rewrote it and published it again under a new name in 2018. Then I started writing poetry and a paranormal book series. But I feel like none of what I write gets read. I learned a lot about writing and how to publish but it feels like nothing I do is right. Marketing is a struggle for me. I worked extensively with an artist for my book covers and editors to make my books perfect, but still, I can’t get them to see. At times it makes me want to stop but then inspiration hits and I want to write something new. Depression and anxiety definitely get in the way. When will I be able to say I made it? When should I stop and realize it is not worth it? When is enough, enough?

My dreams
Are they only Dreams?
Will they ever come to fruition?
Or are they only dreams?

How do you keep going?
How long do you fight?
Day after day and still no results.

My dreams?
Are they only dreams?


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Panic

Panic

Panic, heart racing
Blood rushing in my ears
Pulse echoing in my chest

Panic, heart racing
Hands shaking, 
Flush face

Panic, heart racing
Sweat on my brows
Breathing ragged

Panic, heart racing
When will it end

I bit my lip to try and control it
Breath in deeply, trying to steady myself

When will it end?
When will I be normal?
Why can’t I think and react like normal people?


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The Darkness

The darkness surrounds us
Like a blanket it wraps us and pulls us under
We fight and struggle, but we cannot move
The air is stiff as we struggle to breathe
With each moment, panic sets in
Our heart races as the darkness takes its hold
We can’t breathe as the air comes out of our lungs
Wrapping around us, tighter and tighter.
The darkness pulling us further and further into its grasp
Photo by I.am_nah on Unsplash

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Tricks

Made on Canva by Nancy Ann

Having an anxiety filled day. Need to get it all out in a poem.

Tricks
Those old feelings creep up.
The dread and desire to hide.
My heart races, and my mind wonders.

To run and hide, away from the pain
It is just my mind, is it real or just in my mind?
These thoughts keep coming, creeping up on me.

Are they real? Is what I am thinking real?
Of my anxiety playing tricks on me?



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Walk Alone

Photo by Amol Tyagi on Unsplash
I walk the streets alone.
You don’t see me.
You never do.

My name you never call.
I walk in darkness.
You never see me.
Did you ever see me?

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Friendship

I wrote this several years ago, but it still rings true today. If I could give you nothing but my friendship, who would be my friend? Circumstances have changed since I wrote this, but the bottom line is still the same.

If all you offered was friendship, who could you still call your friend?    When I was little, my mother told me if you could count on your hand five good friends you are a wealthy person. I have this need to want everyone to like me. I kept giving things to others to make them happy, but never thinking of myself. My own self-worth was based on how many friends I had, but were they truly my friends? 

So, then I ask you, what does it mean to be a friend? If the only thing I offered is my friendship, who will still be your friend? 

I realized this over this past week. You see, my friends and I ran a roleplay group on Facebook. For those of you who don’t know, a roleplay group is when you write as a particular character. You create plots with your friends and think as your character thinks. I loved it. It helped me become a better writer and helped me work out different ideas for stories. It’s hard to keep a fake life up when your real life is too busy. So, after 3 years, we have closed the doors to this group. Being an admin, writing plots for people, and regulating the group was becoming a burden when it used to be for fun.

Each one of us was afraid to speak about it. We thought we would let the other admins down if we confessed this.  Having a full-time job, three kids, and keeping the group was overwhelming.  My kids are in sports, scouts and still need help with their homework. Others on the admin team were busy with school and work and were thinking of leaving. The team moved on and created something smaller. Something that will be easier to manage. 

We had the group for 3 years. Do you still consider me a friend when I do not have a group to offer you? When friendship is all, I can offer you, will you still be my friend? 

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I am Strong

lady in beach silhouette during daytime photography
Photo by Jill Wellington on Pexels.com
I am strong.
I will prevail.
I am powerful.
My words can move mountains.
My words can tear people down.
I chose to lift them up.

I am strong.
I am loved.
I am beautiful.
My words can move mountains.
My words can tear people down.
I chose to lift them up.



Check out Nancy’s latest book:
Ramblings of a Chaotic Mind and The Shadow Realm Chronicles: Maeve
This is a collection of poems, thoughts, short stories, and art. I hope you enjoy them.

The Shadow Realm Chronicles: Maeve https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07GNBLGVR
The Shadow Realm Chronicles: Matthew https://www.amazon.com/dp/B08HKJ57FM
The Shadow Realm Chronicles: Justin https://www.amazon.com/dp/B092JPL3HP
The Shadow Realm Chronicles: Maurelle https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0B8GW9SC8
The Shadow Realm Chronicles: Annabelle (Coming Soon)
The Shadow Realm Chronicles: Marius (Coming Soon)

Ramblings of a Chaotic Mind- https://www.amazon.com/dp/B09YYKHG6S

The Creed of the Chronauts- https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0B8WKXJSD

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