The time I put in was meaningless. Talking to them, listening to them, letting them cry to me. Listening to them cry, complain as any friend would do. Do you change who you are? Not be a good friend to others? No, of course not. Those who chose to replace a friend like me, Lose in the end. Those who chose to replace a friend like me, Lose the person who will do anything for them. Lose the one who would stand up for you. Lose the person who checks on you. Lost the person who cares about you. Their loss and another person’s gain.
Sometimes nothing you do works. Sometimes you try your best. Sometimes it’s better not to say anything. Sometimes you feel like crap. Things done for good, are always good. Things done to help others are still good. Things are not always what they seem A good deed can still be a good deed. Hold your head up high. You help someone, but it's not enough. You help someone, but they say you don’t care. You help someone, but they say you don't give enough. Do you stop helping? Close yourself off? Change who you are? Or keep going?
When is enough, enough? When do you give up? How long do you wait and try to fix something you never knew was broken? How do you go on knowing there is a problem and not knowing how to fix it? What do you do when you don’t know what’s wrong? What do you do when they won’t tell you what’s wrong? The anger, the frustration, the self-doubt grows, it never fades away. The disbelief, the distrust, the longing for answers, never goes away. What did I do wrong? Where did I go wrong? So many leave, but is it all because of me? How many should we have in our lives? Is it just the progress of life? People coming and going in and out? Am I the only one affected by this? Am I the only one who cries for those who have left? Is there anyone left to cry for me?
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It is my life, to be the person no one notices. The person they forget. Before you know it you realize, They were never your friends. It seems like when you think things are okay, They truly are not. How can you trust anyone, When everyone is lying. What have I done wrong? What is wrong with me? Do I push people away? Am I not a good friend? Do I deserve to be alone?
Some might say I’m mean. Some might say I’m loud. People will say anything to hurt you. They will make you question who you are, And what you stand for. They say you’re the mean one. You might be loud and yell. You might scream and curse, But sometimes you need to. You need to yell, scream, fight! You need to be loud! They may think you are being mean, but who cares! When people are bullied, tormented, and wronged. You have to stand up! You have to give them a voice when they have none. You have to yell, scream, and fight! You have to stand up! You have to give them a voice when they have none.
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I hang on longer than most. My hands will bleed, blisters will form. Scraps and cuts do not bother me. But once I am done, I will not go back. My skin is torn, there is blood on my shirt. My grip is tight, it strains my arms. I call out for help, as the grip loosens. But once I am done, I will not return. It might take several times, it might take years. The scars will heal, the blisters fade, but the memory lives on. I hold on again, but I do not stay long. But once I am done, there is not going back, I hung on longer than you did. My hands bleed and the blisters broke, But once that branch breaks, I am done. You can only hang on to people for so long. Before you lose your grip. You look at your hands and remember how pretty they were, Before the blood, scars and blisters. You remember how happy you were once, And you know it is time to move on.
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I am the one that everyone forgets. They say they don't, but they do. They say we missed you But they don't talk to me. As soon as I come in, everything stops. Am I a killjoy? Do they just say they miss me because that's what they are supposed to say? How do you know someone is genuine? Because I just feel completely useless and forgotten. And if I didn't talk to them for weeks on end, it wouldn't matter. I'm an outsider watching them. I'm a loser sitting by myself. And I don't know what to do.
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Check out her new book: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B09YYKHG6S
We all see the posts of Facebook of parents who talk about their perfect kids… Meanwhile my house is a zoo. They are not bad kids. They just helped my neighbor find a lost cat, They helped people shovel out from the snow (not for money, just to help), but sometimes I wonder if what I say matters to them. Of course people only put the positive on social media, but for all those parents out there who wonder why nothing works, you are not alone.
Nothing is working. Nothing I say matters. Nothing is working. Nothing I say matters. I pace back and forth outside in the cold. Back and forth trying to calm myself. I know I shouldn’t have shouted, but nothing is working. My throat hurts and I sit outside thinking of what I could have done better. Nothing is working. Nothing I say matters. Nothing is working. Nothing I say matters. Wondering what I said wrong and why they aren’t listening. Nothing is working, maybe it's me. Am I a bad mom? Why don’t they care about each other, about their grades, about anything? What is wrong with his generation? Nothing is working. Nothing I say matters. Nothing is working. Nothing I say matters.
I was never popular.
I always made mistakes and still do.
No one likes me or if they do, they fake it.
I don’t know what I am doing wrong.
It seems each day I make mistake after mistake
Maybe they are trying to push me out.
Maybe I am better off being alone.
I wish you spent time with me.
I wish mine as just as good as theirs.
Is there something wrong with me?
Is this what jealousy looks like?
Why is it hidden?
Hidden away so I would never know.
Should I forget, forget seeing it?
Or just accept that I am not good enough?