Deserve to be Happy

Photo by lucas clarysse on Unsplash


Deserve to be Happy?


Tears flow for freely

It’s uncontrollable

I can’t stop the pain in my heart.


The world will never be

Sunny and cheerful again

If you are not part of it.

Darkness and gloom cover my existence.


As I gasp for air as I try to be calm.

But nothing calms me as I sit in the dark.

Why have I done the things I have done?

Why am I such a horrible person to hurt you so?


I don’t deserve to be happy.

I don’t deserve love.

But you, you deserve all of this and more.


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Birth After Miscarriage: A Spiritual Journey Chapter 1 Wanting to be a Mom

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Birth After Miscarriage

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Chapter 1 Wanting to be a Mom

Ever since my mother died when I was eleven years old, I wanted to be a mom. She was an amazing and inspiring woman. I hope to one day be half the woman she was.

I didn’t get married to have a baby. I didn’t try to have a family until we were five years into our marriage. It gave us the opportunity to spend time together and learn each other on a deeper level.

When Devin said he was ready to be a dad, I was excited. I wanted to make a doctor’s appointment to ensure I was healthy enough to bear a child.

We discussed plans surrounding the baby’s arrival and dreamt sweetly about name options. The thoughts were beautiful. We were ready for this next phase in our lives.

I figured I’d become pregnant immediately, but it did not happen that way. We created a calendar so I could record the basal temperature readings from my ovulation tests along with my ovulation and menstrual cycles. Unfortunately, it became more expensive than we had anticipated it would be.

“Stop buying these tests. We don’t have enough money for you to keep doing this,” Devin kept telling me. “It will happen when God wants it to happen.”

Although I didn’t give up, I didn’t expect to become pregnant. I was frustrated because I thought God wanted me to be a mom. Was something wrong with me? Had I been wrong?

I tested regularly without seeing the results I hoped for. When we first tried to have a baby, I took the pregnancy test before I missed my menstrual cycle. I was so anxious that I circled the earliest dates on my calendar when I could expect the most accurate testing results.

After months of negative outcomes, I gave up on the idea of having a child. I know of women who tried for years without ever becoming pregnant. In comparison, I had not been trying for a long time, but I was still frustrated with the process and the absence of a child.

I went to my doctor for a regular checkup who had become pregnant after enduring a struggle very similar to my own. She was now five months pregnant and thought she should offer her advice.

“Get an ovulation tester. Sperm can live up to five days in the uterus, so it’s good to have sperm in there before you ovulate. The younger the sperm are, the stronger they are. But once the egg drops, you only have twelve hours to fertilize it before it deteriorates.”

Our conversation helped me tremendously. I had been misusing the testers. I thought I should have been indulging in sexual intercourse once I started to ovulate, but that was extremely far from the truth. Starting a few days before I ovulated would increase my chance of becoming pregnant. Once the egg dropped, I would have a supply of sperm waiting for it.

I had always been amazed at how people struck gold on their first try. But, as Devin said, “It will happen in God’s time, not ours.”


Birth After Miscarriage

Information for Parents of Special Education Children.

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This is for parents of special education children. You must fight for their rights. You are the only voice they have.

Doctors diagnosed Zelda, my daughter, with Autism at 2 years. We weathered through early childhood intervention. She had speech therapy, physical therapy, and occupational therapy. I felt very comfortable with the early intervention team but when we transferred over to the school teams, everything was a challenge. You had to fight for everything.

This is one example of the IEP process that caused us problems.


We had Zelda’s IEP today. Zelda is in the 3-year-old preschool disabled classroom. I have a problem with the IEP process. During an IEP meeting, case managers give parents a copy of the IEP.  School districts expect parents to read over it there and agree to it there.

To prepare for this meeting, I read over her past IEP and her progress reports. I wanted to be knowledgeable of what they expected of her and what services she was receiving. I came with questions I wanted to ask at the meeting based on the goals and objectives in her original IEP. There were objectives that Zelda was still working on based on her progress report and I had questions prepared based on that report.

Zelda mastered those goals, but no one told me. I proud of Zelda for making her goals but I wish I knew what they were before the meeting.  I didn’t have access to the new goals until the meeting.

Another shock came when they plan where they wanted to place Zelda for next school year. When Zelda started school in October, they planned on putting in the inclusion 3-year-old room in December, then it was the end of the year. Then it was to let her transition in the summer program. Now they say they want her to go to the preschool disabled 4-year-old class. I mean Did I miss something?   Zelda made her goals, but she is not moving her to her least restrictive environment or to what I thought was her least restrictive environment.

This frustrates me because I had the entire IEP team there this morning and new information and no time to process it. Now I have questions.

I want a working copy of the IEP’s given out to parents possible a week or more before the IEP meeting.. If everyone knew the contents IEP before the meeting, we could have more intelligent questions.

It’s not just this school district.  Schools have 7 to 10 days after the IEP meeting the parents to get a copy of the IEP.  It is better to receive a working copy before the meeting.  Parents are not the enemy. We are both on the same team. Both school and home want what is best for our student.

Something for parents to remember:

The school will make it sound as if you have to but you don’t. YOU DO NOT HAVE TO SIGN IT.  Why sign a document you have not had time to read it and understand it?  

You can request a copy of the IEP ahead of time. I am a teacher. This is not a difficult request.


Going from the 3-year-old who couldn’t talk to the girl in the third grader whose biggest problem is talking in class brings tears to my eyes. She is an amazing child and has come so far. I can’t wait to see where life takes her.


The Morning


The alarm resounds in my head and I grumble and moan.

It pulls me from my slumber with a start.

My blankets wrapped around me keeping me warm as the cold morning air hits me.


I pull the covers over my head.

It can’t be morning already.

I want to hide from everyone and everything.

Just lay and look up at the ceiling and dream.


I want to hide from the world and pull the blankets closer.

The cold morning air wakes me, but I retreat under the covers.

Never leave the warmth and safety of the bed

Just lay and look up at the ceiling and dream.


I lay alone with all my thoughts,

The quiet in the morning

No one expecting anything from me

In this quiet time, oh the thoughts that come


Alas I must rise, each day the same

Running a race that never ends


Let me pull the covers back over my head.

The race never ends, just to take some days alone with my kids.

No work, no stress, just me and my kids.


Free Book!!!


Rambling of the Mind (FREE)

My book will be free this week starting tomorrow and going until Friday.

Ramblings of the Mind, is a collection of art, poems, and thoughts. Many of my poems might be dark and depressing, but writing is how I cope with things life throws at us. When I’m frustrated, hurt, and sad, I write. It helps me cope with my feeling though not every poem will fit this description most of them will.


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Homemade (recipes at the bottom of the Blog)

There are a few times in my life when I had to cut back financially. One of these times was after I had my first son Vance. Money was tight, and I needed to save.  I noticed one of my friends using a web-site called “Frugal Girls”. I looked into it and found many ways to save. Some of them sounded crazy, but I tried them.

I wanted to share things I tried and tell others how they turned out. Sometimes it saves you money to make these items, but do they work as well as store-bought items? Is it worth the time to make them?

I finished making homemade Laundry Soap.  It was so easy and if it works, it will save me about 20 dollars each time I make it.  One container of laundry soap could cost up to 20 dollars and I made the same amount for like a dollar.

 I also made homemade fabric softener.  All I needed was a container and vinegar.  Just finished a load of laundry with it and the clothes feel so soft.  If you use Suave Conditioner and store brand vinegar, it only cost like 3 dollars for a gallon.  

I made homemade wipes.  I wasn’t sure about these, but they seem to be working. I took old t-shirts, cut them up, and then put them in a mixture of baby oil, baby shampoo, and water.  You wash them and then reuse them. The t-shirts are softer than regular baby wipes and I use less of them because they absorb more. The wipes also smell wonderful, better than the ones I was using before.

I made homemade leave in conditioner.  It is so easy.  Just take your spray bottle, put a little conditioner in to it (whatever smell you like) and a little water, and shake it up. I tried it this morning, and it works great.  I didn’t even need regular conditioner just the spray. I saved money because you only need a little conditioner for the entire bottle. I used Suave Strawberry Conditioner.  The entire bottle of conditioner cost like a dollar.  It could last me all year, and my hair feels great!



The laundry soap is great but a pain to make. The clean up is the problem. It makes a complete mess out of your kitchen. It also makes great presents for teachers. Get a mason jar and out the mix into it, tie a bow on top and you have a homemade present for teachers and who ever else you need to give a little present to.


The fabric softener work well, but I noticed after a while the clothes smelled funny. I didn’t know if it was the laundry soap of the softener at first. I stopped using the softened and now only use the laundry detergent. The smell is gone.


The homemade wipes worked wonderful at first but my son developed a rash from them. They are still work and save money but test them on your child’s skin first.


homemade leave in conditioner this is the best. I use it all the time with my daughter. I will never buy detangling spray again. Just a little conditioner and your all set.


Homemade Laundry soap


What you need


  • 1/2 Cup: Arm & Hammer Super Washing Soda {not Baking Soda}
  • 1/2 Cup: Borax  
  • 1/3 Bar of Fels-Naptha Soap {you could also use Ivory soap, but if using Ivory… use the whole bar}
  • Bucket {2 gallon size or larger}
  • Empty laundry detergent containers or bucket with a lid to store detergent.


What You’ll Do:

Grate 1/3 bar of Fels-Naptha Soap over a large pot or saucepan…

  • Add 6 cups of Water.
  • Heat over medium-high until soap dissolves and melts.
  • Add Washing Soda & Borax and stir until dissolved.
  • Remove from heat and set aside.
  • Pour 4 cups Hot Water into a bucket and then add Soap Mixture.
  • Stir and then add 1 Gallon + 6 Cups of additional water.  Stir.


Transfer to a bucket with a lid, or pour into empty laundry detergent containers.

Set aside, and let it sit overnight, or up to 24 hours, to thicken and gel up.


Homemade fabric softener

(I tried it and loved it.  I will put more conditioner in next time to make it smell better.)


What You’ll Need:

6 cups HOT water

3 cups white vinegar

2 cups Suave Refreshing Waterfall Conditioner {or other favorite scent}


What You’ll Do:

  • Mix conditioner & hot water well, until conditioner is dissolved completely.
  • Add the vinegar and mix well.
  • Store in a large container {empty fabric softener container, empty large vinegar bottle, etc}
  • Pour into a downy ball… or the fabric softener spot in your laundry machine… then wash!


Homemade Wipes


  • 2 1/2 cup Water
  • 2 tsp Baby Shampoo or Baby Bath
  • 1 tsp Baby Oil
  • 1/2 Roll Paper Towels (Bounty) I used scraps of old T-shirts.



Take old t-shirts.  I had just gone through our closet and took out anything that was fading, ripped, or didn’t fit anymore.  Cut them into pieces. Mix water, shampoo and baby oil in a container. Put the scraps into the mixture and let them soak.  I would wring the out and then put them into the baby wipe container. Be sure to make extra so. While you are cleaning one load of wipes, you can use the others.  I made an entire box full of scrapes. Keep a laundry basket one with a lid next to your changing area. I would wash these wipes by themselves in your washing machine.




  • Any conditioner and a spray bottle. Just add about ¼ cup of condition and the rest water.




I give up on Sleep

I give up on sleep!



A note to all new mommies out there. This phase will not last long. Treasure it while you can. Treasure those times cuddling while your baby eats. Treasure this special time with them, for soon they will sleep all night and so will you; but you will miss your cuddling time.

I give up on sleep.  I have tried and failed.  My son Van is up every two hours to eat.  He sleeps a lot during the day, which is frustrating because his sister is up all day.  This makes for one tired mommy. I was breastfeeding until a few days ago. During this time, I walked through life like a zombie.  In dire need of caffeine, I switched to baby formula instead of breastfeeding. I would have switched to formula soon anyway, because I won’t be able to breastfeed while at work, but this is a little earlier than I planned on.  I feel bad, because I know that breast milk is the best for the baby, but I was exhausted.

I know people who have gone back to work right after having a baby and I can’t figure out how they do it. I couldn’t keep my eyes open. The long nights for breastfeeding took a toll on me.  My husband told me that most people do not have C-section and I should not compare myself to others.   He said, “They inflicted a mortal wound on you, and then they stitched you up and gave you a baby to take care of.  So you are healing and breastfeeding.”

My husband can help me feed Van a little but, it is still me feeding him most of the time. I don’t mind. It is my time with him and I treasure that.  Having my husband just take one feeding is letting me sleep a good 4 hours which was better than what I was getting before.

At least I can have coffee now!  My daughter has also been mommy needy.  I felt bad because I couldn’t give her all the attention she needed.  I know that she has to get used to it, but today I was feeding Van and Zelda was screaming.  She was just screaming for attention, but it made mommy very sad.

How am I going to do this when I go back to work?  I don’t have the option to stay home.  I know there is a great debate between mothers who stay home and mothers who work.  Some of my friends are stay at home moms and have told me to just cut back on what we spend and I could stay home too.  Well, I’m sure if they looked at my finances they would see that was impossible. I carry the family health insurance, and we need the money.  I have decided not to go back to my part-time job. I haven’t told them yet. By not working there, it will give me some extra time with the kids.

Okay well it is five in the morning and the baby is up.  Time for mommy to make coffee.


Remember, this time does not last long. You might feel like your entire life will be nothing more diapers and bottles; but it won’t be. Treasure this time.