Always Alone

alone

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Penny

I look at you, and I see Penny.

I hug you and imagine it’s her.

I know this is wrong, but I miss her so much.

I know she would want me to love another dog.

I know she wants me to adopt more and love more.

It’s not fair to you to compare you to her.  

My Penny is gone and my Harper is here. 

I am sorry my dear, I love you too.

Saying goodbye is always so hard.

And Then There’s Me

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And then there’s me. 

Watching all of you. 

And I am left on the side looking on. 

With no one. 

Is the way others feel when they are left out.

We want to belong so badly and then troubled when we are not. 

Does the jealousy grow or just the feeling and fear of being forgotten?

Forgotten

Jealous of their happiness but you don’t want to be forgotten.

You watch the connections growing and you know they are not growing with you.

You pray that they would but you kid yourself.

You want it more and more but you can’t keep up.

You feel you are a failure and you just don’t know what to do.

You want to be this person but in truth you are not.

You have this picture of yourself in your head but it is not really you.

I want to be the kind of person people come to when they need help.

The person who doesn’t get mad but I see everyone leaving me behind.

I am not that person; I am jealous I get angry.

I wish I had the connections you have but I don’t.

I want to scream please, Don’t Forget Me but you do, anyway.

What the point of saying anything when I say it you push me away more.

Because I have already forgotten. 

Why do I speak?

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Why do I speak?

Why do I speak up when my words hurt others?

Is it better to be meek and quiet and stay away?

Is it better to just let things go and move on?

All I want to do right now is hide, but the pain is too much.

I hide but then in that hiding there is so much pain.

I don’t want to hide but I can’t deal. 

I can’t handle the arguments and rejection

So I pull myself away and hide though I cry. 

When I speak, I am loud and brash. 

I say what I mean.

When I speak people become upset. They lash out of they lash out on themselves

Blaming themselves instead of fixing what’s wrong. 

Then turning it on me once again and I hide.

Should I face them, what good will come of that.

Facing someone leads to more problems but the problems I have are within me and not you.

I can only take so much before I speak. I can only be so quiet before I say something. 

And it’s in that saying something that these issues come out.

Nothing is fixed, it’s only me and me alone who has the issues. 

All else falls to the side as I hide. 

Nothing is Working

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Nothing is working.

Nothing I say matters.

Nothing is working.

Nothing I say matters.

I pace back and forth outside in the cold.

Back and forth trying to calm myself. 

I know I shouldn’t have shouted but nothing is working.

My throat hurts and I sit outside thinking of what I could have done better. 

Nothing is working.

Nothing I say matters.

Nothing is working.

Nothing I say matters.

Wondering what I said wrong and why they aren’t listening.

Nothing is working, maybe it’s me.

Am I a bad mom?

Why don’t they care about each other, about their grades, about anything?

What is wrong with his generation?

Nothing is working.

Nothing I say matters.

Nothing is working.

Nothing I say matters.

It Eats Away at Your Soul

It eats away at your soul.

First you think it’s all a joke,

Then they make you wonder.

It is a joke?

The taunts eat at you, 

over and over again

Until you are a shell of what you once were. 

You question it all and run and hide away.

It eats away at your heart.

The harsh words said in jest. 

They make you wonder?

Are they real or folly?

Until you are a shell of what you once were.

Thoughts of an Insecure Mind

I was never popular.

I always made mistakes and still do.

No one likes me or if they do, they fake it. 

I don’t know what I am doing wrong. 

It seems each day I make mistake after mistake

Maybe they are trying to push me out.

Maybe I am better off being alone.

The Fairy

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Photo by Marko Blažević on Unsplash

The sun hit her long chestnut brown hair highlighting the golden hues.

Her wings glistened in the sunlight as she dried herself and turned. 

She smiled looking at him, with her gaze falling to his eyes.

His sea-blue eyes that made her blush but who was he?

He was in awe of her beauty, of her wings and her eyes.

Her green eyes looking him up and down.

He knew her; he knew her gaze.

It warmed his soul as he stood there wanting to go to her.

Wanting to touch her, to talk to her, but he found he couldn’t speak.

The fairy twirled as she dried the rest of her clothes,

Whirling her wand around her emerald dress.

The man watched her with a yearning smile on his face.

He knew at this moment; the fairy was to be his.

The fairy, however, bowed and vanished before his eyes.

Lord, give me the Strength

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So much time in the day.

So much to do and yet so little time.

The hours tick away, and yet so much more to do.

The guilt I feel, when in don’t spend enough time with them.

The guilt I feel, when I need to work.

The guilt I feel, when I am just too tired to move.

Lord, give me the strength to give them the mom they deserve. 

Work and life, but all I wanted was to be a mom.

Feeling lazy and wishing I had more time.

More time to spend with them, more to give them.

The life I didn’t have and the life I want for them.

So much time in the day.

So much to do and yet so little time.

The hours tick away, and yet so much more to do.

The guilt I feel, when in don’t spend enough time with them.

The guilt I feel, when I need to work.

The guilt I feel, when I am just too tired to move.

Lord, give me the strength to give them the mom they deserve. 

The Shadow Realm Chronicles: Maeve

CHAPTER 1

THE GREAT WAR

Many years ago, darkness tore apart the worlds. They called it the Great War, for it was massive and involved all the realms of each world. Enemies on either side grew their armies for battle with heavy casualties. New allies formed out of this bloodshed while old ones crumbled.

The world of the Faye changed forever as their king descended into madness. His name was Julian. He once was a loving ruler, but those times were long gone. The pages written of him now are full of rage, blood, and hatred. Hatred for his children who grew to love others and revolt against him and his rule. Hatred for his wife, who fled with his children and hatred for all the realms that were not under his rule. Julian needed his children because they were powerful. Each one controlled one of the four elements: wind, water, earth, and fire. Even though his children hated what he had become, they remembered the good in him and were perhaps the only ones besides their mother who did.

Marius, the leader of the vampires and Jonathan, the ruler of The Shadow Realm, fought alongside Julian, but they did not trust him. Each of these three men was scheming against each other as they all wanted to come out the victor.

Jonathan had many plans and plots forming in his head, but they all revolved around Maeve. Maeve was a fairy, but she lived in a quiet world. The one world that was protected from the Great War. Jonathan didn’t care what Julian or Marius did as long as it didn’t interfere with his plan but interfere was what they did best. Jonathan had great plans for Maeve and her family, but he knew little of her connections to Julian’s family.

The Great War might have been over, but another one was looming in the distance, and it all began with a lonely mother named Maeve.

Come find out what happens to Maeve.