Penny

I look at you, and I see Penny.
I hug you and imagine it’s her.
I know this is wrong, but I miss her so much.
I know she would want me to love another dog.
I know she wants me to adopt more and love more.
It’s not fair to you to compare you to her.  
My Penny is gone and my Harper is here. 
I am sorry my dear, I love you too.
Saying goodbye is always so hard.

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Ramblings of a Chaotic Mind (NEW BOOK)

Ramblings of a Chaotic Mind
This is a collection of poems, thoughts, short stories, and art. I hope you enjoy them.

Many of my poems might be dark and depressing, but writing is how I cope with things life throws at us. When I’m frustrated, hurt, and sad, I write. It helps me cope with my feelings though not every poem will fit this description most of them will.

I write on a slew of subjects; motherhood, family, miscarriage, children, raising children and many more. Sometimes moms get into a competition of who’s the better mother or who has the best kids, whose job is hard, and that mindset helps no one. I promise to be as real as I can, hoping the things that have challenged me can help someone else.

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Women Need to Support Other Women

Women rarely support each other.  It is hard to find women that support each other.  

When I was in school, kids bullied me.  My mom was the sick mom with cancer and we didn’t have a lot of money, My clothes were old and torn. Since then I had low self-esteem.

I found later that writing was something I loved. And when I found Roleplay,  I made friends fast, and I didn’t believe it. Someone told me I was their best friend, and I took a long time to believe it. Because who wants me as a best friend?

When it comes to Role Play, it seems a lot of women think they must be the center of attention.  In a role play, you can be anyone you want to be. I find people change who they are and use fake profiles because they are not happy with themselves.

Role Play is best when you let people be creative. We’ve had some awesome plots that were not created by admins. My friend Breen created two plots that were amazing. I know will blush if she reads this but its true. 

Women should be supporting each other and encouraging each other. We should take a step back and allow others to have the spotlight on them.

Of course, this goes beyond writing and role-playing and into everything we do. Women need to support each other and lift each other up instead of tearing each other down.

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It Eats Away at Your Soul

red withering rose at daytime
Photo by monicore on Pexels.com
It eats away at your soul.
First you think it’s all a joke,
Then they make you wonder.
Is it a joke?
The taunts eat at you, 
over and over again
Until you are a shell of what you once were. 
You question it all and run and hide away.
It eats away at your heart.
The harsh words said in jest. 
They make you wonder?
Are they real or folly?
Until you are a shell of what you once were.



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Why do I speak?

 Why do I speak?
Why do I speak up when my words hurt others?
Is it better to be meek and quiet and stay away?
Is it better to just let things go and move on?
 
All I want to do right now is hide, but the pain is too much.
I hide but then in that hiding there is so much pain.
 
I don’t want to hide but I can’t deal. 
I can’t handle the arguments and rejection
So I pull myself away and hide though I cry. 
 
When I speak, I am loud and brash. 
I say what I mean.
When I speak people become upset. 
They lash out of they lash out on themselves
 
Blaming themselves instead of fixing what’s wrong. 
Then they turned it on me once again and I hid.
Should I face them, what good will come of that.
Facing someone leads to more problems but the problems I have are within me and not you.
 
I can only take so much before I speak.
 I can only be so quiet before I say something. 
And it's in that saying something that these issues come out.
Nothing is fixed, it's only me and me alone who has the issues. 
All else falls to the side as I hide.





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Nothing is Working

Check out her new book: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B09YYKHG6S

Photo by Zachary Kadolph on Unsplash


We all see the posts of Facebook of parents who talk about their perfect kids… Meanwhile my house is a zoo. They are not bad kids. They just helped my neighbor find a lost cat, They helped people shovel out from the snow (not for money, just to help), but sometimes I wonder if what I say matters to them. Of course people only put the positive on social media, but for all those parents out there who wonder why nothing works, you are not alone.

 Nothing is working.
Nothing I say matters.
Nothing is working.
Nothing I say matters.

I pace back and forth outside in the cold.
Back and forth trying to calm myself. 
I know I shouldn’t have shouted, but nothing is working.
My throat hurts and I sit outside thinking of what I could have done better. 

Nothing is working.
Nothing I say matters.
Nothing is working.
Nothing I say matters.

Wondering what I said wrong and why they aren’t listening.
Nothing is working, maybe it's me.
Am I a bad mom?
Why don’t they care about each other, about their grades, about anything?
What is wrong with his generation?

Nothing is working.
Nothing I say matters.
Nothing is working.
Nothing I say matters.

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To Hide Away

 I want to hide away,
Away from all of you.
You may think my pain is about you.
You may think I am thinking about you.
No one thinks about you.
No one cares where you are.
You think they should; you demand they do,
And that is why they don't care where you are.

I want to hide away,
Away from all of you.
All to the pain,
The heartless words, only said to hurt.
No feeling inside.

I want to hide away,
Away from you.
All the pain you cause, when I have more.
My pain is not about you, though you think everything is.
Everything isn’t about you, though you want it all to be about you.
You want to hurt and tear people down.
This is why I hide away.

I want to hide away.
Away from you.
Away from all your pain.
The heart words, you only say to hurt.
No feelings inside.

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The Fairy

Image for post
Photo by Marko Blažević on Unsplash
The sun hit her long chestnut brown hair highlighting the golden hues.
Her wings glistened in the sunlight as she dried herself and turned. 
She smiled looking at him, with her gaze falling to his eyes.
His sea-blue eyes that made her blush but who was he?
He was in awe of her beauty, of her wings and her eyes.
Her green eyes looked him up and down.
He knew her; he knew her gaze.
It warmed his soul as he stood there wanting to go to her.
Wanting to touch her, to talk to her, but he found he couldn’t speak.
The fairy twirled as she dried the rest of her clothes,
Whirling her wand around her emerald dress.
The man watched her with a yearning smile on his face.
He knew at this moment; the fairy was to be his.
The fairy, however, bowed and vanished before his eyes.

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Am I your friend?

friend

Photo by Andrew Neel on Unsplash

Am I Your Friend? 
Am I your friend?
Do you really care about me the way I care about you?
We use the term best friends, but is that just me?
But is that truly what I am to you?
 
Do I think more of you than you think of me?
When my usefulness is gone, will you also leave?
Why do these questions haunt me so?
 
I worry about the future, like an endless sea of doubt. 
Doubting myself and others, will I ever be happy.

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Lord, give me the Strength

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Photo by Aditya Romansa on Unsplash
Lord, give me the Strength
So much time in the day.
So much to do and yet so little time.
The hours tick away, and yet so much more to do.
The guilt I feel, when in don't spend enough time with them.
The guilt I feel, when I need to work.
The guilt I feel, when I am just too tired to move.

Lord, give me the strength to give them the mom they deserve. 
Work and life, but all I wanted was to be a mom.
Feeling lazy and wishing I had more time.
More time to spend with them, more to give them.
The life I didn't have and the life I want for them.

So much time in the day.
So much to do and yet so little time.
The hours tick away, and yet so much more to do.
The guilt I feel, when in don't spend enough time with them.
The guilt I feel, when I need to work.
The guilt I feel, when I am just too tired to move.

Lord, give me the strength to give them the mom they deserve. 

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