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This is a collection of poems, thoughts, short stories, and art. I hope you enjoy them. Many of my poems might be dark and depressing, but writing is how I cope with things life throws at us. When I’m frustrated, hurt, and sad, I write. It helps me cope with my feeling though not every poem will fit this description most of them will.
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Ramblings of the Mind, is a collection of art, poems, and thoughts. Many of my poems might be dark and depressing, but writing is how I cope with things life throws at us. When I’m frustrated, hurt, and sad, I write. It helps me cope with my feeling though not every poem will fit this description most of them.
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I always wanted to be a mom. After my miscarriage, I thought it would never happen. God had a wonderful plan for my life. I just have to wait and put my faith in Him. Many women suffer the tremendous loss of a miscarriage. They often believe they are alone, but they are never alone. Rest assured that it is not anyone’s fault! It is simply a sad component of life. In every four pregnancies, one ends in a miscarriage. I am sharing my story to help other women who have experienced the same pain I have.
Ever since my mother died when I was eleven years old, I wanted to be a mom. She was an amazing and inspiring woman. I hope to one day be half the woman she was.
I didn’t get married to have a baby. I didn’t try to have a family until we were five years into our marriage. It gave us the opportunity to spend time together and learn each other on a deeper level.
When Devin said he was ready to be a dad, I was excited. I wanted to make a doctor’s appointment to ensure I was healthy enough to bear a child.
We discussed plans surrounding the baby’s arrival and dreamt sweetly about name options. The thoughts were beautiful. We were ready for this next phase in our lives.
I figured I’d become pregnant immediately, but it did not happen that way. We created a calendar so I could record the basal temperature readings from my ovulation tests along with my ovulation and menstrual cycles. Unfortunately, it became more expensive than we had anticipated it would be.
“Stop buying these tests. We don’t have enough money for you to keep doing this,” Devin kept telling me. “It will happen when God wants it to happen.”
Although I didn’t give up, I didn’t expect to become pregnant. I was frustrated because I thought God wanted me to be a mom. Was something wrong with me? Had I been wrong?
I tested regularly without seeing the results I hoped for. When we first tried to have a baby, I took the pregnancy test before I missed my menstrual cycle. I was so anxious that I circled the earliest dates on my calendar when I could expect the most accurate testing results.
After months of negative outcomes, I gave up on the idea of having a child. I know of women who tried for years without ever becoming pregnant. In comparison, I had not been trying for a long time, but I was still frustrated with the process and the absence of a child.
I went to my doctor for a regular checkup who had become pregnant after enduring a struggle very similar to my own. She was now five months pregnant and thought she should offer her advice.
“Get an ovulation tester. Sperm can live up to five days in the uterus, so it’s good to have sperm in there before you ovulate. The younger the sperm are, the stronger they are. But once the egg drops, you only have twelve hours to fertilize it before it deteriorates.”
Our conversation helped me tremendously. I had been misusing the testers. I thought I should have been indulging in sexual intercourse once I started to ovulate, but that was extremely far from the truth. Starting a few days before I ovulated would increase my chance of becoming pregnant. Once the egg dropped, I would have a supply of sperm waiting for it.
I had always been amazed at how people struck gold on their first try. But, as Devin said, “It will happen in God’s time, not ours.”
I give up on sleep. I have tried and failed. My son Van is up every two hours to eat. He sleeps a lot during the day, which is frustrating because he sister is up all day. This makes for one tired mommy. I was breastfeeding up until a few days ago. During this time, I walked through life like a zombie. In dire need of caffeine, I decided to go to formula. Now I was going to go to formula soon anyway, because I won’t be able to breast feed while at work, but this is a little earlier than I planned on. I feel bad, because I know that breast milk is the best for the baby, but I was not able to pay attention to anything else.
Despite the long nights, that beast feeding had to offer, it takes a toll on your body as well. I could not figure out why I was so tired. I know people who have gone back to work right after having a baby and I can’t figure out how they do it. My husband told me, that most people do not have c-section. He said, “They inflicted a mortal wound on you, and then they stitched you up and gave you a baby to take care of. So you are healing, and breast feeding.”
Now that I am using formula, my husband can help me feed Van a little but. Honestly, it is still mostly me. At least I can have coffee now! My daughter has also been very mommy needy lately. I feel bad that I can’t give her all the attention she wants. I know that she has to get used to it, but today I was feeding Van and Zelda was screaming. She was just screaming for attention, but it made mommy very sad. How am I going to do this when I go back to work? I don’tI have the option to stay home, which would be awesome if I did have that option. I carry the family health insurance, and needless to day, we need the money. I have decided not to go back to my part-time job. I haven’t told them yet. By not working there, it will give me some extra time with the kids.
Okay well it is five in the morning and the baby is up. Time for mommy to make some coffee.
BABY VAN PART II
December 15, 2010 at 6:44pm
As I said last night, the ultrasound tech said that everything was good. Baby looked good, he is about 6 pounds, and everything was good. He only mentioned that there was enough ambiotic fluid and that it was on the high side, but I got a call from the doctor today saying that there was too much fluid. So I am not sure what this means. She said he has too big of a swimming pool. Therefore, I am going for blood work tomorrow to test my blood sugar levels and they are sending me to fetal maternal medicine. Therefore, I panic again but then when they call with my appointment they say January 5! What! If it was that important, why wait? I have a regular appointment tomorrow so maybe I can learn more but I have never heard of having too much fluid. Has this happened to anyone else?
Yesterday I felt like my water was breaking. I called my doctor and they told me to come to the hospital. I am 34 weeks pregnant with my second child and I had a c-section with my first one. While at the hospital they hooked me up to monitors and saw that I was having contractions. they later gave me an iv of fluids and did several tests. They decided that I had a UTI and gave me a prescription. However they also noticed that my baby’s heart beat had dropped at several places. Oddly enough the hospital does not do ultrasounds at night so I was sent home. My doctor has scheduled me for an ultrasound for tonight. I am worried. Why would I have contractions? I didn’t really feel them, just uncomfortable. Could the cord be bugging the baby? Could he be pulling on it or could it be around his neck? My husband thinks that they would not have sent me home if there was something wrong, but I thought that they didn’t want to worry me. If they could not do an ultrasound why keep me. Any thoughts?
My husband and I are trying to decide what we should do. He seems okay with leaving the decision up to me but I am not sure what I want to do. I know that there are dangers with c-sections and with VACS (vaginal after c-section), I had a c-section with my daughter in October of 2009, and now I am due Jan. 24 2011. I know that they are close and I am not sure if this effects the decision or not. My doctor told me that if I want to have more kids then I should do I VACS, but she also said that I could have 3 c-sections. I know people how have had 3 or even 4. I am just not sure if I can put my baby’s life in danger so that I can have the chance to have more kids in the future. I am not even sure which is better. I want to know what is healthier for my baby. Any suggestions?
A section will be scheduled. This will help with Devin’s job and with the logistics of my cousin watching Zelda. I won’t be in labor as I was with Zelda and even then, I had to have a c-section. This time they cannot induce me as they did with Zelda. I will get more time off work and I have been told that you heal much more quickly with the second c-section then you did with the first. There are risks with a c-section because it is still asurgery, but if scheduled I could chose my doctor and everything will be ready, unlike an emergency c-section. If I have a C-section, I can only have c-sections after that.
If I have a vaginal delivery, I can have more children and I won’t be stuck to having a c-section. After a successful Vaginal, you can have more vaginal deliveries. I won’t be in as much pain after as I was with the c-section. I have also opted to have an epidural. The doctors said that this would make it easier if I have to have an emergency c-section because they can just put more medicine in and not have to worry about setting that up. If I have a vaginal delivery if would be when Van is ready to come, so he would have more time in the womb. C-sections are usually schedules a week or two weeks before your due date, so that you do not go into labor before hand. I am worried that he will not be ready.
This may all sound silly, but I am sure the doctors know what they are doing. I would just like to know what other thought and what they have done.