Birth After Miscarriage: A Spiritual Journey Chapter 1 Wanting to be a Mom

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Birth After Miscarriage

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Chapter 1 Wanting to be a Mom

Ever since my mother died when I was eleven years old, I wanted to be a mom. She was an amazing and inspiring woman. I hope to one day be half the woman she was.

I didn’t get married to have a baby. I didn’t try to have a family until we were five years into our marriage. It gave us the opportunity to spend time together and learn each other on a deeper level.

When Devin said he was ready to be a dad, I was excited. I wanted to make a doctor’s appointment to ensure I was healthy enough to bear a child.

We discussed plans surrounding the baby’s arrival and dreamt sweetly about name options. The thoughts were beautiful. We were ready for this next phase in our lives.

I figured I’d become pregnant immediately, but it did not happen that way. We created a calendar so I could record the basal temperature readings from my ovulation tests along with my ovulation and menstrual cycles. Unfortunately, it became more expensive than we had anticipated it would be.

“Stop buying these tests. We don’t have enough money for you to keep doing this,” Devin kept telling me. “It will happen when God wants it to happen.”

Although I didn’t give up, I didn’t expect to become pregnant. I was frustrated because I thought God wanted me to be a mom. Was something wrong with me? Had I been wrong?

I tested regularly without seeing the results I hoped for. When we first tried to have a baby, I took the pregnancy test before I missed my menstrual cycle. I was so anxious that I circled the earliest dates on my calendar when I could expect the most accurate testing results.

After months of negative outcomes, I gave up on the idea of having a child. I know of women who tried for years without ever becoming pregnant. In comparison, I had not been trying for a long time, but I was still frustrated with the process and the absence of a child.

I went to my doctor for a regular checkup who had become pregnant after enduring a struggle very similar to my own. She was now five months pregnant and thought she should offer her advice.

“Get an ovulation tester. Sperm can live up to five days in the uterus, so it’s good to have sperm in there before you ovulate. The younger the sperm are, the stronger they are. But once the egg drops, you only have twelve hours to fertilize it before it deteriorates.”

Our conversation helped me tremendously. I had been misusing the testers. I thought I should have been indulging in sexual intercourse once I started to ovulate, but that was extremely far from the truth. Starting a few days before I ovulated would increase my chance of becoming pregnant. Once the egg dropped, I would have a supply of sperm waiting for it.

I had always been amazed at how people struck gold on their first try. But, as Devin said, “It will happen in God’s time, not ours.”

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Birth After Miscarriage

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Rebuild

Tempers flared, our words hurt as

Our tongues lashed shameful insults

Faith destroyed as trust was broken

Others more important and the safety of a friendship

Tarnished by words

A poison of words hurt both

We licked our wounds

Bandaged ourselves up and went on with our lives

Were you feeling victorious after such a battle??

Did you hurt as I did?

Did it feel good to throw a friendship away?

Or perhaps it was not as important to you as it was to me?

Were you as lost and as broken as I?

Did you long to talk to me as I longed to talk to you?

How do we move on from this? Is there a way of getting back what we lost or did we push all of that away?

Is there too much hurt and mistrust now?

Where is the friendship we had before?

Is the road back too difficult

Covered with thorns and weeds of places long forgotten

Can we forge through and find our way back or become lost once again

On the road to recovery.

Let me be me

Let me be me

Let me wear unmatched socks

Let me sign in the shower

And dance while I’m cooking

Let me be me

In all my odd behaviors

In all my rash moments

Call me eccentric

Call me odd

Call me anything but let me be me.

Let me paint. Let me write

Let me sing and let me dance

Let me make a fool of myself

Let me laugh at myself

Let me be me

Heart as Black as Your Soul

You strike first, but then I strike back!

Did you expect me to sit and take your crap?

Did you expect me to roll over and play dead?

FOR YOU???

You call foul

Lick your wounds and cry

A pathetic wail as if you were innocent.

Do you think the others care?

Did you expect me to do nothing?

To sit back and curl up in a ball

And shrink into oblivion?

While you attack me?

Did you not think I would defend myself?

I lash back, and you play the victim

Did you want me to curl up in a ball, cry and hide?

I lashed back! You couldn’t handle it.

Did you expect to hurt me?

Was that your goal?

I suppose that was your mission, to crush the things I love.

I might seem tough but I’m dying inside.

You have taken something I love and tarnished it with your words.

Your barrage of words, and actions that eat away at my soul

Warping my mind, decaying my soul

making me question everyone and everything

But I suppose that is what you wanted.

You strike first, but I strike back

The claws came out, and you cried foul

You cry and coil away when others

See you like the snake.

Is it fun to be the bully?

Do you get a rush crushing others?

I might strike back, but then I fade

I hide away and cry.

You take what I love and crush it, till it is nothing

I suppose that was your goal when your heart is black as your soul.

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As we all know by now google plus is no more. That means that Blogger no longer has the social media component to back it up. Though am still updating my Blogger account, I began looking for more outlets so I can gain a larger audience.
So I am starting with Medium and hoping I can grow a blog there.
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I also have WordPress and my Facebook author’s page as well as my Amazon page. Maybe there are more places and sites out there to build a following. I will keep looking and posting.

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I always wanted to be a mom. After my miscarriage, I thought it would never happen. God had a wonderful plan for my life. I just have to wait and put my faith in Him. Many women suffer the tremendous loss of a miscarriage. They often believe they are alone, but they are never alone. Rest assured that it is not anyone’s fault! It is simply a sad component of life. In every four pregnancies, one ends in a miscarriage. I am sharing my story to help other women who have experienced the same pain I have.