It breaks my heart that you were not honest. It breaks my heart that you hid it from me. It breaks my heart because I thought. I thought we were close. I thought we were good. I thought I had lifelong friend in you. I thought, but I should have known.
When your mind is cloudy, When your head wants to rest, And all you can do is worry, About all the things that are a mess. The work you need to do. The places you need to go. But your mind needs to rest. Your head needs a pillow And you need to stop. Slow down, close your eyes. Take a breath, it’s okay to stop. Slow down, close your eyes. Take a breath, it’s okay to stop. Feeling guilty When I rest my head. When I need more sleep. When I can’t go on, I need to rest. Slow down, close your eyes. Take a breath, it’s okay to stop.
It feels like a kick in the gut. A feeling of failure. A feeling of defeat Dejected and cast away. What more could I do? I tried everything I could think of. Each and every day. Still nothing works. It feels like being trapped. Can’t breathe, can’t move. But still, you do all you can. But nothing will work. An ache in my heart. My entire body falls to pieces. Left on the ground as if none of it really mattered.
I was not alone when my mother was sick. I was not alone when she died. I was not alone when my father died. I have never been alone. I was not alone when I cried for them. I was not alone when I missed them I was not alone when I needed them. I have never been alone. I was not alone at any point in my life. I was not alone when my baby died, before I could hold them. I was not alone when I wept for them. I have never been alone. I was not alone when I finally became a mother. I was not alone when I stayed up with the crying baby. I was not alone when I had to go back to work. I have never been alone. We have never been alone, a day in our lives. Lord Jesus comfort us, even when we don’t know you are there.
I have been thinking about my Alma mater this week as they are having a revival in Hughes auditorium. I remember people praying for revival while I was a student over 20 years ago.
I am not someone who would ever be asked to speak at chapel nor was I ever asked when I was a student. I know most of us feel that way as there were many students and alumni who have never had this chance. I was also not called to come to the revival. I know many were, and I read their testimonies, but I often asked God why I was not called to go.
For some reason this message was placed on my heart, and I needed to express it somehow. Since I am a writer and no one will ever ask me to speak at Chapel, my blog is the next best place. You may ask yourself why would they not ask you Nancy? I am a writer and a teacher, and most of the time those who speak at chapel are pastors of missionaries. I was not someone who stood out at school, and that is fine, there is no and was no complaining here. There were probably other reasons, but these are the ones that stand out the most. I had student loans to figure out how I was going to pay, I worked in the cafeteria, which was fine, but it was also hard to work and study.
I think it is important to hear from many different people, especially at a place like Asbury College (it was Asbury College when I attended, and old habits die hard.) As a student I heard from many different pastors, youth pastors, preachers, missionaries, but that was about it. Sure, the was the occasional person outside of that career path but not many. And that is a disappointment as there are many others who would have been worthwhile to hear from.
Everyone who graduates from Asbury is not going to be a preacher or a missionary. In fact, our Alumni go into many different fields which is why Asbury offers so many different degrees. It is also a felicity to assume that everyone there is a Christian. Many of my friends were there because their parents told them to go there, or they would not pay for their education and so on.
When I was at Asbury, it was a time of questioning myself, questioning what I wanted out of life and why I was not getting married of living these amazing lives that all these others seemed to have. I never thought I was good enough and never thought I could make it. Everyone kept saying you have to go on a mission’s trip, you have to do this or that. But that is not what really mattered. Everyone’s path is different, and you have to have the courage to choose your own path. God calls us all to do different things.
It is easy to assume that everyone at Asbury is Christian and that would be the wrong assumption. I met many students who were only there because their parents or grandparents told them they had to. There were probably other reasons, but these are the ones that stand out the most. I had student loans to figure out how I was going to pay, I worked in the cafeteria, which was fine, but it was also hard to work and study.
So, I was not called to attend the revival. I was aware that it was happening, but I God has placed other things on my heart. My family for one, but then my students. You see while I did not go on a mission’s trip to another county, I am on the mission’s field everyday as a middle school teacher. Once I realized that God called me to be a middle school teacher, I didn’t feel this inadequacy. I didn’t have to prove to others, of defend why I was not going overseas on a mission’s trip.
As I said before, my time at Asbury held many ups and downs for me. But the most important thing was that I was never alone. I am never alone. Christ is always with me. It is easy for us to get caught up with our lives, whether it be friendships, family drama or work drama, but we are still not alone. When you are a senior at Asbury, and you still do not know what you’re going to do when you graduate, you are not alone. When you are a freshman, and you have not picked a major yet, you are not alone. When you get older and you don’t talk to those friends from Asbury anymore, you are not alone. You and I have never been alone.
If you feel alone, and have not accepted Christ, that does not mean you are alone. Even when you have your back turned away from Him, you are not alone. We have never been alone!
I don't know how I feel about it. I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what to do. Is this really what you want? Why is it affecting me so much? Why am I questioning things so much? Why does this bother me so much? Why am I waiting for the floor to come out from under me? Why?
Open Door The door’s always open. Some will enter, Others will leave, But it’s always open. It’s your choice, to enter or not, But I’m always here.
Your tears break me. When I see you in pain, I just want to take it away. Wipe the tears from your eyes. Hug all the pain away. I don’t know how to do that. And I don’t know what to do. Your tears break me.
You didn’t say anything. Did you hear my words? Do you know? Did you know that I prayed for you every day? Did you know you were never far from my thoughts? My heart ached for I knew you were in pain. You stopped talking to me. But I didn’t know. If you could talk or Was it just me? Did I do something wrong? Did you hear my words, or Was I a bother to you? You didn’t say anything. But I kept praying And now I am left with wonder. And now you are gone. And I will never know. If you heard my words.
Jealousy It boils up in me. Ready to explode My heart races and These thoughts come to me Making me questions it all. Jealousy, it's a raging fire. Jealousy, tearing my heart out. Jealousy, and I can’t see Jealousy, Jealousy I’m ready to explode, Ready to infinite The fire building in me. I can’t think of anything It doesn't make sense This feeling inside of me Making me question, Making me fear Jealousy, it's a raging fire. Jealousy, tearing my heart out. Jealousy, and I can’t see Jealousy, Jealousy
