I was afraid that I wouldn’t be able to do all the things I needed to do. I needed to keep Zelda clean and feed; I needed to take care of the dogs and cats and try to keep the house together. I didn’t think I could handle it all. It’s a lot when you look at everything. I needed to look at one thing at a time and Zelda was the most important.
Devin says it was postpartum depression, but it wasn’t.
One of my friends was going through some of the same things I was going through.
I send her this e-mail: “How are you feeling? I have to admit I cried a lot the first two weeks but now we are into the fourth week and I am doing much better. I was so nervous. I was afraid to alone with Zelda and wasn’t sure if I would be okay. Zelda is still breathing, the house is still standing, and the dogs are still breathing, so I think I did okay.”
My friend wrote back:
“Thanks, it helps to know other mothers are feeling the way I am… We’re just praying for God’s protection over us. I know He is in control. I know what you mean about being nervous. But you’re right, after a couple of weeks you get semi- used to it. I don’t cry as much now but some mornings when I wake up I feel like the world is closing in on me and I can’t breathe and it feels like diapers, no sleep, and crying will be my life forever. I used to cover my head up and try to go back to sleep, but now I find I feel better if I get out of bed, get dressed, and face the day. One day we’ll have toddlers and this it will all seem like a fairytale. We’ll wish for the days when we could put the baby down and he/she would stay in one place instead of crawl everywhere and fall down all the time. I’m praying for you and strength for you and Devin and protection for little Zelda!”
I had to go back to work. I love my job, so it wasn’t too difficult. Even though I loved my job, I still didn’t want to leave Zelda. The first day I was a mess. Zelda went with Devin to work. Devin and his family run a screen-printing business, and they have a room set up for the kids. Zelda’s two cousins were already there. It was not as bad as leaving her with complete strangers, but I still wanted to be with her. I called Devin every day at lunch to check on her. He always says, “She’s fine. She’s a baby. She eats, sleeps, and poops.”
My baby is amazing. She is already six months old, and she has learned so much. I know that this sounds like bragging, but she has impressed me every day of her life. She started to crawl and now she chases the dog around the house. When Zelda decided she wanted to crawl, she was determined to do so. I would come in her room in the middle of the night and she would be up in her bed trying to crawl. She fell asleep one night on her knees. I love it. Zelda never gives up because with determination like this you can do anything.
Zelda loves food. She will reach over and take her bottle right out of our hands. I look at her and I thank God for blessing me with such an amazing little girl.