Days later, it affected Devin. He woke up one morning and said, “I am sad. When we first heard the baby died I thought oh well, we’ll just try again. But now I am sad.”
When Devin’s grandpa passed away, he explained how he was upset when we lost the baby.
“I don’t know. Maybe I should be more upset, but when we lost the baby, it was like my hopes and dreams were destroyed. My grandpa lived a great life. Lots of people loved him and he did lots of cool stuff during his life. He is happy now. He isn’t in any pain and he is with God. And he is meeting our baby and your parents.”
Even though Devin was sad, I still felt alone. I thought no one understood how I felt. I now know how wrong I was. I know that my cousin had dealt with this and many other people had too. Everyone deals with grief differently, and no matter how you react, no one can tell you it is wrong.
You cannot change how you feel. No matter how much you want to. Some people expect you to feel or react in a certain way, but you are under no obligation to feel the way they want you to. You need to be honest with yourself about your feelings. In being honest about how I felt after my miscarriage I can say I was bitter.
I saw other pregnant people around me, famous people, having tons of kids. I saw stupid reality shows about people with tons of kids and I could not have one. Teenagers were having babies, people were getting pregnant and not wanting their babies, and still I could not have one.
Someone told me she knew how I felt. She said, “I watched my friend have a miscarriage. She was five months pregnant, she had to deliver the baby. She was not bitter. So why are you? What does that bitterness get you?”
It was strange to have someone say . I know that nothing good came out of being bitter, but I could not help how I felt. She said she knew how I felt because of her friend, but how could she? It made me angry that she was questioning my feelings and telling me she knew how I felt when there was no way she could. No one knows how another person feels or should feel, but people who have had a miscarriage understand. Each person deals with loss in a very different and unique way. I am not saying what I did was right, but it was right for me. Just remember that there are people who truly understands. Miscarriages affect a lot of women but no one talks about it. My doctor told me that 1 in every 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage. The number was so much higher than I ever realized.
At the time of this discussion, I was already pregnant with Zelda and my friend said, “But you’re pregnant now, so why would you still be sad?”
I told her, “I am happy for my new baby, but I am also still grieving for my first child. You can’t just replace one baby with another one.” Then I walked away. I was upset by having to defend my actions and feelings.
I would not wish this feeling on anyone, but it is good to have people to talk to. I joined several chat sites that dealt with miscarriage. It was good to see I was not alone. Many women would write about what happened to them and they would ask many questions. I loved reading the questions and answers because most of them were questions I had.
There was one woman who had been trying to get pregnant for a year and a half. She had a miscarriage and was feeling depressed, much like I was. She was wondering how long she had to wait before she could get pregnant again. Another woman was asking for help because she became pregnant a few weeks after her miscarriage and was worried about a second miscarriage. Another woman wanted to know how others were dealing with their grief and if they had any suggestions for her. Some of these questions had answers but other did not. Most times women just needed to know others were going through the same thing. This site helped me a lot. I felt like I was being proactive in my research. I needed to find answers, and this site was helping me do just that.