Birth After Miscarriage: A Spiritual Journey: Chapter 1 Wanting to be a Mom

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Chapter 1
Wanting to be a mom
I wanted to be a mom desperately. All I ever wanted was to be a mom. I lost my mom when I was 11. She was such an amazing and inspiring woman. I hope to one day be half the woman she was.
I didn’t get married to have a baby right away. We had been married for 5 years before we talked about having a baby. It gave us the opportunity to spend time together and get to know each other.
When Devin said he was ready to be a dad, I was excited. I had to get things in order and arrange certain things. I was a teacher’s aide at a special education school and they do not take part in our state’s disability program. I had to get my own disability insurance. I had to make doctor’s appointments to make sure that everything was ok with me and take prenatal vitamins. We talked about what we would do with the baby when she came. We cleared out the spare room and talked about names.
I thought I would be pregnant right away, but it did not happen that way. I took my basal temperature and using ovulation testers. I created a calendar where I would keep a record of my temperature, my ovulation, and my periods. I did many things. I did this for months. It was expensive.
“Stop buying these tests. We don’t have enough money for you to keep doing this.” Devin kept telling me. “It will happen when God wants it to.” He said.
I didn’t give up, but I didn’t expect to get pregnant. I felt like I would never be a mom. This was frustrating because I thought God wanted me to be a mom. Had I been wrong?
Although I still kept testing and checking things, I did not get pregnant. When we first tried to have a baby, I would test before I missed my period. I could not wait to test. I would mark on the calendar when I could take the pregnancy tests. After months of negative tests, I gave up on ever getting pregnant. I know that some people try for years with no luck. It seems like a small thing now to be upset after only a few months of trying.
I went to my doctor for a regular check up. She had also been trying to get pregnant and now she was about 5 months pregnant. She tried to explain some things to me.
First, she said, “Get a good ovulation tester.” Then she said, “Sperm can live up to five days in the uterus, so it is good to have sperm in there before you ovulate. The younger the sperm are, the stronger they are, but once the egg drops you only have 12 hours to fertilize it before it deteriorates.”
This conversation helped me. I had been using the testers, but I was going about it all wrong. I thought that when the test says you are ovulating then you should have sex, but that is not the case. A few days before you ovulate is the best time. That way I had a much better chance of getting pregnant. Once the egg drops there is no time, but I could have a supply of sperm waiting for the egg.
It amazes me how some teenagers get pregnant the first time they have sex, and someone like me can’t get pregnant. As Devin said, “It will happen when God wants it to.”

 

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